Handling Dates

First things first, should you, if you're a girl, ask a guy to prom? Short answer: absolutely. Long answer: Things aren't what they used to be, and no one will look at you funny for asking--by now, you know that as well as we do, so if you have any doubts, forget about them. And if you want some "sociometric" proof (yeah, I know, it sounds heavy), then consider the Morp phenomenon.

What is this prom/morp thing? Morp is "prom" backwards. What it does, is it reverses the traditional roles between guys and girls, so that instead of him asking, she asks, and then she pays and she handles the morp night arrangements, etc. Morp is a recent idea in our schools (with a couple of exceptions), and not too many places have them, at least not yet. My question is,

Another thing about what's becoming normal--the question of girls paying. As I've said here and there in this Perfect Prom section, it used to be that the guy paid for prom night itself, including tickets, dinner, transportation, and everything else. Well, just like the thing about asking him, who pays has really changed too, because today couples tend to split the cost. Sure there's still lots of times when the guy pays everything, and even insists on it--and if you have a guy like that, fantastic!--but it won't always be the case, and it won't be wrong for you to help out with the cost.

In case you're wondering why this splitting-the-cost pattern has appeared--especially since it's only about ten or fifteen years old--the answer is simple. Twenty years ago, the total cost of the night, including getting your dress and everything else, was less than half what it is today. It was affordable then for a guy to pay everything, even if he only had a part-time job. Today, no way. Unless the dude has plenty of money, it won't happen.

Now, if you've already read our section on budget and paying for the night, you know that we believe that no matter how much the cost has gone up, the guy should still pay for the night, for tickets, transportation, and everything else. Our reasoning is that, even if the cost of the night has gone up radically in the last twenty years, the girl's personal expenses for the dress and accessories have gone up just as radically. The problem is that we never take this into account when planning our prom costs, so although the guy might worry about how much he has to pay, and the girl might worry along with him, neither of them might remember that the girl also has to pay so much just to get ready.

Before you get yourself into a bind on prom night, because you've asked him and now things aren't working out the way you expected, take a moment to consider the following questions. If you answer them truthfully, it will help you focus on exactly what you want from your date prom night. And if you know this, it may help you avoid unnecessary discomfort or heartache that night. It may even turn that night into the magical evening you've been dreaming about for so long. So take some time to go through these questions and think seriously about them. Write your answers on paper, as well as including reasons for why you chose that answer:

1. You've been dating for more than one year.
2. You've been dating four months or less.
3. You just started going out.
4. You are really good friends.
5. You talk in school but you're not really friends and don't hang.
6. you've seen him around, but you don't really know him.

1. You know he likes you because he has told you.
2. You think he likes you because your friends have told you.
3. you think he likes you because the two of you make eye contact, and it's something you can sense.
4. You're not sure if he likes you, but you suspect he might.
5. You're not sure if he likes you, but you think he might not.
6. You don't think he likes you, but you know he might if you try.
7. He doesn't like you, and probably never will.

1. You want a romantic evening where the two of you hook up.
2. You want a romantic evening, but you don't want to hook up afterwards.
3. You'd like to start by going as friends, because you don't really know him, and you want to wait and see where that leads.
4. You want to go only as friends.

There's no one right answer for any of the above. The thing is to find the answer that most closely matches what you want, because once you have this answer, you'll know several things:

First, you'll know what you're up against when it comes time to ask him.
For example, if you've been dating for more than a year, then it will be easy to ask him, except that you might have this problem: since he knows you well, he might say he doesn't like prom & formals, and that he's not interested in going. Or for example, if you are really good friends, then you will have to decide what you want out of prom night with him: are you going to go to prom with him but still stay really good friends, or do you think you'll probably hook up prom night? Or, if you ask him and you're really good friends, will this throw your friendship off balance if he thinks you like him as more than a friend, but he doesn't have the same feelings for you?

Second, you will also know how you should ask him.
For example, if the two of you are already going out, then you can totally ask him romantically and be very intimate about it (ahem). Or, if you know that the two of you will hook up prom night--or right after you ask him to prom--then you can also be romantic in the way you ask him, although you probably won't want to be intimate. If, on the other hand, you're worried that he might not like you the way you like him, then you want to ask him in such a way that he won't "take it wrong," meaning, that could or could not be romantic depending on how he feels.

Third, you will also know what you specifically want to happen on prom night.
This is probably the most important thing to know because you don't a) want to send out the wrong signals, or b) do not yourself want to receive the wrong signals. For example, if you've been friends for years and have decided to go to prom together, it might ruin your friendship--or at least strain it--if you try to push it into more-than-friends only to discover that he's not interested. Or the reverse may be the case, in that he tries to push it into being more-than-friends and you're not interested. Then what do you do? The solution, of course, lies in taking precautions before anything happens. That means, when you ask him to prom, also lay out what you expect of him that night, or what you're hoping for that night. Whatever you do, I always recommend you lay your cards on the table because this way, you don't risk getting hurt later on, whether through rejection, or because he's coming on to you and you don't want that.

Now that you're convinced that it's okay for you to ask him, that it's also okay for you to pay for him, and now that you know what you want from your date, we can move on to ways and means for you to ask him-- that is, catch him and make him your date for prom.

First, let me say that as far as the ways of asking him go, there are thousands of ways, and the only limit is your imagination. But because you might also need a few suggestions, I've provided the link below so that you can read about the hundreds of ways in which others have asked someone to prom. You obviously don't have to do exactly what they did. You can modify what they did so that it best suits your character. You can even select the type of approach they used so that it suits the specific relationship you and your guy have.

Below, we will focus on some of the common problems girls have in asking.

Solution: If you're uncertain whether he'll say yes, it's usually because you like the guy and have romantic intentions, but you are worried that he doesn't like you back, which is why he "might" say no. There is only one solution for this problem, and that is: ask him at once, right away, pronto. Why? Because the very worst thing in the world is not knowing. If you ask him, then whether he says yes or no, at least you'll know exactly where you stand. And if he says yes, then great, you just go right ahead and start getting ready for prom. And if he says no, then you can at least move on, and go and ask someone else, so that you at least won't be dateless come prom night.

Solution: If you're really that shy that you don't dare ask, but you know you must ask anyway, then here's your option: you have to put yourself in a situation where, once you've started the process of asking him, you won't be able to back out. This way, come hell or high water, you will have to ask, and you will have to wait for his reply--and no, the earth will not swallow you up, no matter what. So how do you put yourself in such a situation? Quite simple: avoid asking him face to face. Instead, do something-- anything--where what happens is that he finds your request, whether on paper, or written on a blackboard, or hidden in a balloon or arriving in the mail, and then he has to reply to it. The point here is that your shyness is preventing you from walking right up to him and asking. So if you avoid the walking-right-up-to-him bit, you can get around your shyness without actually having to overcome it.

Solution: Think of this exactly as you would think about the uncertainty problem above. You don't know if he likes you, and there's a good chance he will say no when you ask him. So? The important thing is that once you ask him, no matter what he says, you will know exactly where you stand with him. This will allow you to move on if he says no, or to start making prom plans if he says yes. Two important things about this: one, at least you will know where you stand with him, and two, you can be proud of yourself for having conquered your fear and asked him. Besides, so what if he does reject you? It might sound silly to say it, but the truth is that there are alot of other guy-fish in the sea, and that the eschaton will not be immanentized (end of the world won't happen) on account of rejection.

Solution: Wait, do you honestly think that you're going to look dumb and that he's going to laugh, or that all your friends are going to laugh, or that the teachers and even the school-crossing guard and the bus drivers are going to laugh if you ask him and he says no? First of all, he won't laugh and you won't look dumb because even if he says no, he will be flattered that you asked him--who wouldn't be? As for everyone else, they probably won't even know that you asked him, and probably won't care if they did know. What does it matter to the bus drivers or the school-crossing guard if you ask him or not or if he says no or not? See how silly it is to be afraid of looking dumb? So you go right ahead and ask him! Believe me, you won't look dumb. The only way you will look dumb, is if you don't ask him because you're afraid of looking dumb, and therefore lose the opportunity to be with your hot guy on prom night. Now wouldn't that be dumb?

Solution: Who cares what your friends think? Let's say, for example, that you want to ask this one guy to prom, but your friends either don't think much of him, or think you're crazy for wanting to ask that particular guy? What I say is, why should you care what they think? Aren't all your friends going to prom with the dates of their chocie? So why should what they think deny you the same privilege? In other words, if you listen to what your friends think, and not to what you want, then the only one who loses out in the end is you. Think about it.